Since 2001 Alura Lux has been working with couples to improve their sexual satisfaction. In this time there have been many couples sharing with us many reasons why their sex lives have been unfulfilling. At the core of this is the meaning of what sex means to each person in the relationship.
As we are sure you are aware, sex can mean different things to different people; even those in the same relationship. It is through these disconnects where issues develop and over time can actually lead to the relationship ending. Here are some common scenarios we have seen over the years:
- Sex is completely gone from the relationship. This occurs in all types of relationships from couples who are dating to those who are been married, with one partner being more upset about this than the other.
- One partner is no longer available for sex, feeling used, while the other partner is angry or hurt by this.
- There is still sex in the relationship but one partner feels they must give themselves up to having sex as they fear the anger of saying no.
- Sex has become routine and boring with one or both partners feeling unmotivated.
- One partner, usually the woman no longer feels anything during sex; her satisfaction has greatly decreased; rarely if ever experiencing an orgasm.
Of course, there are other scenarios we have seen and everyone’s situation is different, but based on these most common ones, you may be able to empathize with some of them. When discussing these situations, it commonly comes down to each partner’s belief in what sex means and why they want to have sex.
By looking at this underlying cause of what having sex means, it takes away the dynamic of the relationship and reveals two main reasons why people have sex and what it means to them. The two main reasons people have sex are:
- To get something for themselves.
- To share love, passion and a connection with their partner.
Having Sex to Get Something
It can be difficult for some people to admit having sex for them in their relationship is simply to get something for themselves. Saying it in this manner can make them feel selfish about their situation. However, discussing and working through these feelings with your partner is what being in a relationship is about.
Understanding your feelings as well as that of your partner’s; for instance, if you are in a relationship where you want sex and your partner doesn’t, think about why you want sex. Can you relate to any of these?
- Release of sexual tension
- Need to feel adequate
- Feel loved and loveable
- Feel happy
- Feel a connection with your partner
- Feel powerful and in control
- Feel safe
Understanding why you want sex allows you to clearly understand your motivation. Then you must think about how this is perceived by your partner. Approaching sex from a point of view of wanting or needing something, most likely is not very attractive or erotic for them. Thus your partner may feel more used than aroused.
Having Sex to Share Connection
Wanting to have sex for sharing love, passion and a connection with your partner, you are coming from a completely different place than wanting something for yourself. In order for you to share your love and passion with your partner, this must already be established. You will already have a connected feeling with them, and the desire to share it and further deepen the connection comes from a want for furthering the relationship.
This can not be done when you are feeling unhappy, unlovable or disconnected from your partner. If you feel your want for having sex is coming from this position and yet your partner does not want to have sex, you will both need to examine the relationship. This will allow both of you to better understand what sex means to your partner and why there could be a sexual disconnect.
Taking responsibility for your feelings and what you bring into the physical aspect of your relationship will allow a better understanding of your entire relationship. Far too often couples are struggling with their sex lives, but their focus solely on the act of sex, ignoring what having sex actually means to them individually and collectively as a couple.
First, understand what having sex means to you then discuss this with your partner. You will be surprised at the power which comes from this discussion. Most times the intimacy of the relationship is greatly increased as your connection is strengthened leading to a stronger bond in the bedroom.
As always we appreciate all your emails and comments. Don’t forget to share this information with your friends so they can truly understand what having sex means to them and their relationship.