Whether it’s a one night stand or a committed relationship, without foreplay it’s simply just sex. We know for some that are all they want, and yes sex is great, but when all you have is “just sex” you are missing out on a truly great experience.
If you think about it, when you simply have sex without foreplay, it’s very mechanical. Insert penis into the vagina, etcetera. With just this activity men will have the ability to experience an orgasm, but for most women, simply intercourse is not sufficient enough to stimulate and allow them to experience an orgasm. Foreplay also allows both parties to get an understanding, even it’s a one night deal, what the other person likes.
It’s very easy to fall into a rut with your foreplay routine. For people having casual sex with different partners this may not come up until the second or third time, but using the same moves all the time will bore your partner. In addition, when you follow the same steps every time, the body actually becomes desensitized and the arousal is greatly decreased.
To avoid this from happening in your sex life, we have put together 5 common foreplay mistakes to avoid and fixes for them. Avoid these mistakes to not only have better, hotter sex, but also increase the intimacy and pleasure of your relationship outside the bedroom.
5 Foreplay Mistakes to Avoid
Mistake #1 – Focusing on Just One Spot
First on the list of common foreplay mistakes to avoid is being too focused.
Once the kissing starts, the clothes start to come off, and the heart rate increases, the tendency is to head straight for your partner’s genitals. “Genitals are fascinating and fun, but try to spend some time focusing on your partner’s entire body instead of going straight for her crotch,” says Cassie Fuller, cofounder of Baltimore sex-ed company Touch Of Flavor. “Try caressing, licking, or nibbling other erogenous zones, such as her neck, back, ears, belly, or wrists.”
Our skin is our largest organ and extremely sensitive to touch with many erogenous zones that crave caressing and kissing. Spend time on all areas but your partner’s genitals and watch how much it arouses them. Build up the anticipation to the point where they are demanding you touch them between their legs.
Mistake #2 – Talking Too Much
Great foreplay always involves some talking and there has to be a good balance of verbal and physical activity. As with all things in life, it is possible to go overboard with your sexy talk. Even worse than too much talking is non-sexy talk, things that should never enter the bedroom.
Be especially careful if you’re dropping new weird pet names or attempting dirty talk, says sex expert April Masini of AskApril.com. “Weird, clichéd phrases can cause the mood to die quickly,” she says. As a general rule, keep dirty talk simple and personal: Pick a body part and tell your partner how sexy you think it is, or describe a fantasy you have involving them.
As we mentioned keep mundane conversations—like how busy you are at work—out of the bedroom. “Recent research indicates arousal often has more to do with avoiding life’s turn-offs than with how well you can turn someone on,” Fuller says. “Talking dirty or communicating your desires is awesome, but the last thing anyone wants to do is discuss chores, dinner, or—God forbid—finances.”
Mistake #3 – Too Hard Too Fast
Our schedules have all become more hectic and seemingly allow us less and less time for personal things. With that a good quickie mid-week can do wonders for your mood and improve a tough week you may be having, but it should not be the go-to sexual act. Rushing foreplay is one of the biggest foreplay mistakes and one that can leave most women disappointed.
For most women to be completely sexually aroused, it can take between 15 to 20 minutes. For some men, the simple suggestion of sex is all that’s required to become aroused. Taking time to properly arouse your partner is a must, but just spending time stimulating her clitoris or vulva is not all that is needed.
Too much pressure on her sensitive areas is another mistake you may be making, says Jenny Block, author of Open: Love, Sex & Life in an Open Marriage. “Once you do touch her clitoris or vulva, you have to be gentle,” Block explains. “Yes, pressure can be good. But you have to work up to it gradually, and communicate to get it right.”
Mistake #4 – Never Skipping Foreplay
There are many factors that lead to you and your partner having sex. Your relationship is a complex and dynamic union. If the two of you have a great sexual rapport going on outside the bedroom, you can at times skip foreplay. But doesn’t this go against making Mistake #3?
“When you’ve been creating a larger sexual context in your relationship, you’re basically operating in that [state of foreplay] all the time,” says psychologist and relationship therapist Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. If you’ve been together for a while, you should know her well enough to know when it’s okay to jump straight to the main event.
Mistake #5 – Reading Your Partner Wrong
Everyone is a little different when it comes to, well, everything, especially their likes and dislikes in the bedroom. So while you may have your go-to moves, be willing to throw them out the window if they seem uncomfortable or bored. “If they wince when you talk dirty, move onto your next play,” says Masini. “Or if they’re really into making out on the sofa, don’t try to move it to the bedroom.”